Letter from the Queen of Drama

I'm not angry or even upset. I'm sad. I feel like that Mellencamp song when he said that life goes on even after the thrill of it has gone.

All the good and wonderful is a memory for me, except to live vicariously through others. Love and passion passed... There was a time you wanted to be with me the thought of time without me there -- within your reach to stroke my hair or touch my hand left you empty -- Maybe not, but you did used to make me feel that way.

Now when you are lonely you look elsewhere
Your beautiful words assigned to other, unknown faces or names from your long past.

I feel used... like a comfortable but dirty sneaker that's kept in the back of the closet and brought out not because you want to bring it out but because it's there and you need tennies for a moment.

I want to feel alive and vibrant.
I want to shine and see my reflection in eyes of love looking back at me.

I feel like my only worth these days is in what I can do to take care of others' mundane needs...I could be replaced by a robot.

I realize there's nothing you can do... I keep trying to figure out what it was that Dee had or did to hold the key to your heart so tightly in her grasp all these years.. Jeanne in some sick form of condolence reminds me often that it's not my fault that you will never get past your love for her and just aren't capable of loving me. I'm really not sure how that's supposed to make me feel better...

I'm also not sure how to let go of my love for you. Sometimes it feels so intense I'm surprised that I don't just spontaneously combust.. I've been in love before, but I never gave everything I am to anyone before or since you came into my life. It feels symbiotic... Like an addiction that is just going to feel like I'm dying as I come down, but ultimately I'll be whole when it's said and done...

I can take solace and find beauty in this tragic heroine that I've become. It's an amazing romance with a breathtaking end... Unrequited love and all that... Perfect really --
For a drama queen like me